Exploring my own Rhythym

Reflections of a solo trip to Paris

What started as a romanticized thought six months ago ended up being one of the most challenging experiences of my adult life. If you’ve been following along on my social media for a while, you know that I do most of my traveling with Donavan, close friends, or family, so traveling solo was a very foreign concept. I felt this pull to reconnect with myself without anyone else’s expectations shaping the experience. Of course, the idea of independence always sounds glamorous until the only thing louder than the streets of a foreign country is your pounding heart and racing thoughts. I had no idea just how uncomfortable it would feel to step away from the people who usually help steady my anxious mind. I wanted to believe I was capable of navigating the world alone, even when my thoughts tried to convince me otherwise. I was terrified, but I also knew I’d never know what would come of it unless I tried.

The idea for this trip came to me earlier this year when I was listening to a podcast by The Skinny Confidential with guest Natasha Oakley, founder of Monday Swimwear. In the podcast, Natasha shares that she travels a lot and can be away from her husband for weeks at a time, but she enjoys it because it gives her time to be, as she worded it, “in her own rhythm.” She explains that when you are in a committed relationship, you are constantly considering someone else’s needs: when they’re hungry, when they want to sleep, what they want to do, etc., and it’s important to appreciate the moments of solely caring for your own needs as well. Being someone who has been with their partner since they were 16, this sparked something in me. Most of my experiences in my young adult life have been with my boyfriend, Donavan, and I’ve really never done anything alone, so I was inspired by the idea of “being in my own rhythm” and exploring myself for a few days. Don’t get me wrong — I love Donavan; he is my absolute best friend and favorite travel partner, and I’m so grateful to have met my person at such a young age, but we’ve also always valued our independence in our relationship and growing as individuals. So, being the impulsive and stubborn person that I am, I had the idea, and I was set to make it happen.

When I first thought of this solo trip, the city that instantly came to mind was Paris (I know, so original). It’s a city that I’ve visited enough to feel comfortable getting around in, and also a city that has endless opportunities for exploration and inspiration in fashion, arts, and everything in between — thus, the perfect place to explore my interests for a few days. Initially, I imagined that I would do a full trip from home to Paris and back, but when I decided to join my mom on her trip to Vilnius to visit her hometown, then to Vienna to see my brother, I figured it would be the perfect opportunity to add in a few days in Paris on my way home — and boy, was I thankful I did it that way. 

I humbly learned that the thought of doing something is quite different from the feeling of actually doing it, and had I not already been across the pond, I’m not sure I would’ve had as much courage to do it. One of the biggest ironies in my life is that even though I love to travel, I have a dooming fear on planes, and that anxiety can alter my experience a lot when I’m exploring the world. There have been times during my travels when I’ve felt anxiety from being so far away from home, been crippled by the thought of getting on a plane, or had actual panic attacks on flights, and I started to become worried that any of those things would happen while I was alone, without the safety net of Donavan, my friends, or family. I was never concerned about my ability to get around, find things to do, or make safe decisions; I was afraid of the power my anxiety has over my mind.

My anxiety was at its peak the week before the trip, while I was visiting my brother in Vienna. I had unfortunately, and not for any reason in particular, just had a panic attack on the flight from Vilnius, and I was even more scared to get on a plane alone after that. My mom, who of course hated seeing her daughter under such distress, was asking me if it was even worth doing it to myself. She was leading a tour group through Vienna and Venice with her friend and offered me to tag along with them instead. I spent days weighing my options, but the thing is, I did want to go to Paris. Even with my worries, there were aspects about the trip that excited me. I had spent the weeks before I left for Europe planning things to do and saving TikTok recommendations and had mentally visualized myself on this trip for months. Like I said, I’m stubborn, so I knew I owed it to myself to finish what I started. I’ll spare you the details of all the agonizing I did (trust me, there’s a LOT more where that came from), but ultimately, I decided that if I had changed my plan and canceled Paris, I would’ve returned home feeling like I let my anxiety win, and I wasn’t going to let that happen. I told myself, don’t think, just do, and I got on that damn plane.

The second I landed in Paris, I already felt some of my anxiety dissolve. The plane ride was half the battle, and the next was making it through the next couple of days. I checked into the most beautiful hotel room in Saint-Germain-des-Prés — a neighborhood that I knew would make me feel safe and comfortable while traveling alone. I quickly freshened up and took myself out to dinner down the street. I sat under a red awning, sipped on a glass of French Bordeaux, pulled out my journal, and just began to write. There have been very few meals that I’ve eaten alone in my life, and I thought I would feel a lot more awkward than I did, but even with my anxiety, there was actually this feeling of bliss I had knowing that I was fully alone. No one I could possibly run into, no one who had a preconceived notion of who I was — I could simply just be. I felt invincible. The moment reminded me of a piece of advice a regular customer at the restaurant I serve at had given me when I told her I was nervous about the trip. She said, “You might be sad and you might cry, but at least you’ll be in Paris. All you have to do is go get yourself some wine, and everything will be okay.” I have to say, that was some of the best advice I got for the trip.

One of the biggest lessons I learned during this experience was that being anxious or nervous doesn’t mean it can’t also be amazing. It’s okay to feel all of it — the nerves, the excitement, the weariness, the giddiness — none of those emotions are mutually exclusive. Paris is a huge city, and there were times when I was overwhelmed at how fast-paced it was, remembering that I was alone in the chaos, but there were also moments when I was listening to my “cool French girl” playlist while walking through Le Marais, feeling like I was the main character in my own movie. I spent hours in several museums, ate many meals alone, strolled through French boutiques, took myself to the ballet, walked along the Seine, and enjoyed doing exactly what I came on this trip for: to find my rhythm and explore my own interests for a few days. 

Even though the trip was a short three days, I learned a lot of things about myself that I know will guide me through the next steps of my life. It was scary, no doubt, and my nerves didn’t fully go away until I found myself back in the comfort of Donavan’s arms, but I did it, and I can honestly say that I came out of this experience more confident in myself and my ability to overcome challenges on my own. As Will Smith once said, “the greatest things in life are on the other side of fear”, so the next time I’m scared to do something, I’ll remember the girl who got on that plane, and did it anyway.